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Marcio
DISEASES LAUD KANSAS DECISION
(AP) The Ebola Virus, speaking from its headquarters somewhere in
Africa, today thanked the Kansas Board of Education for its recent
decision to remove evolution from the state's science curriculum. The
virus pointed out that the resulting eventual loss of evolutionary
biologists would make life easier for it and many other emerging
diseases, as health workers would not be able to distinguish lethal and
nonlethal strains that had evolved from one other. In its two recent
visits to the U.S., the Ebola strains involved were those that had
evolved from the deadly human strains into strains that kill monkeys,
not people. "If they hadn't known, we could really have inspired
hysteria," commented Ebola. "More fun next time."
Meanwhile, Hantavirus, Cholera, AIDS, and Influenza announced that they
had no intention of stopping their own evolution and looked forward to
even more successful world tours in the future. Although none of them
expressed much interest in visiting Kansas, they denied they had plans
to boycott the state. Finally, stock futures for a variety of
"old-fashioned" diseases (such as diphtheria and streptococcus),
malaria, and tuberculosis went up, as it appears that humans now are
increasingly prepared to ignore the evolution of antibiotic resistance
for diseases that have long been held in check by modern medicines.
Diphtheria, speaking from its exile in poorer parts of the former
U.S.S.R., commented, "The lack of new antibiotics seems to reflect a
human arrogance that assumes we can't evolve and come back." It pointed
out that malaria and TB had already evolved forms that were immune to
all known antibiotics. "Without understanding how we evolve, humans are
turning themselves into fodder."
Asked to comment on the Kansas decision, Diphtheria smiled and said,
"Thanks, Kansas, we'll be seeing you."