And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better
have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six
months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there
was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was
violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was
a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a
union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a
hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map
of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to
hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about
owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for
at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across
the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy
the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
I hope you enjoyed it. :-)
Best Regards,
Dario Giraldo
Lacey, Washington