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Parables for Modern Academia
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By Deborah and Loren Haarsma November, 1996
The kingdom of heaven is like a professor who went off on a long
sabbatical. Before he left, he called together his graduate students
and gave each of them projects to work on; to one he gave five projects,
to another two, and to another one, each according to their ability.
The one who received five projects immediately went to work, designing
experiments, building equipment, and analyzing data. She worked long
and hard, and eventually she achieved good results on each project.
Likewise, the one who received two projects immediately went to work,
and eventually got results as well. But the student who received one
project found it to be more difficult than she expected, and was easily
discouraged, and then got distracted by her coursework, and eventually
gave up.
After a very long time, the professor returned to settle accounts with
his students. The first student said, "Professor, you gave me these
projects to work on, and see, here are the results." And the professor
answered, "Well done, good and faithful graduate student. You have been
faithful over five projects. You shall be co-author on five
publications and receive a Ph.D! (And you can expect a good letter of
recommendation, too!)" Likewise the second student showed his results,
and the professor said, "Well done, good and faithful student. You have
been faithful over two projects. You will be co-author on two
publications, and receive a Masters degree."
But the third student came and said, "Professor, I know that you are a
harsh man, publishing where you did not labor, and claiming credit where
you did not contribute, and I was afraid. So I kept the lab locked up
and I didn't let anyone borrow any equipment. See, everything is just
the way you left it." Then the professor answered, "You wicked and
slothful graduate student! I will judge you by your own words. So, you
knew that I was a harsh man, publishing where I did not labor, and
claiming credit where I did not contribute; well then, you should have
at least gotten a teaching fellowship so that I wouldn't have had to pay
your salary out of my research grants! Now depart from me and from this
institution ... out into the REAL world, and try to find a job. There,
you will have weeping and gnashing of teeth."
For to everyone who has, more will be given. But to him who has not,
even what little he has will be taken away. (Matthew 25:14-30)
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The kingdom of heaven is like an original manuscript in an old library.
When an historian found it, she returned all her other books and studied
only the manuscript. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a scientist
looking for new projects. When he found one theory of great promise, he
joyfully gave up all his other projects to focus on it. (Matt 13:44-46)
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Suppose one of you wants to start a research project. Will he not first
sit down and estimate if his grant is large enough to cover the cost of
equipment, salaries, and overhead? For if his grant runs out halfway
through, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, "This fellow
began a project and was not able to finish." In the same way, any of
you who does not give up everything he has cannot be Jesus' disciple.
(Luke 14:28-29, 33)
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The dean was speaking at a faculty meeting. One of the professors stood
up and asked, "What must I do to get tenure?" The dean replied, "What
does the faculty manual say?" The professor answered, "Do good
research, teach well, and mentor students." "You have answered
correctly," the dean replied. "Do this and you will get tenure."
But the professor wanted to justify himself, so he asked the dean, "What
does it mean to mentor students?" In reply the dean said: "One term
there was a student who was struggling in his courses. He went to talk
about it to the professor of one of his classes, but the professor
brushed him off with, "If you can't handle the work, you should drop the
course." The student then went to his academic advisor, but she was on
her way out the door to the airport and didn't have time to talk. A
custodian overheard the conversation, and, seeing the discouragement of
the student, invited him out for a cup of coffee. It turned out the
student was dealing with the death of a family member, and the stress
was affecting his personal life as much as his studies. The custodian
walked him to the counseling center and arranged an appointment for him.
He called the student several times in the next few weeks to see how
things were going, and helped him think through whether to drop the
courses or not. Now, which one of these was the true mentor to the
student?" The professor replied, "The one who had mercy on him." The
dean told him, "Go and do likewise." (Luke 10:25-37)
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When you are writing a paper about exciting new data, do not overstate
the impact of your result. Someone else may come along later with
better data and prove you wrong, and then you will be humiliated and
your colleagues will not respect your work. But when you have an
exciting new result, be modest about its implications. Then when the
review paper comes out, it will say, "This is an important piece of
work," and you will be honored in the presence of all your colleagues.
For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles
himself will be exalted. (Luke 14:7-11)
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Obedience:
There was a professor who had two grad students. She went to the first
and said, "Take care of this project for me." "I will not," he
answered, but later he changed his mind and did it. Then the advisor
went to the other grad student and said the same thing. She answered,
"I will do it," but she did not. Which of the two did what the advisor
wanted? (Matt 21:28-31)
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Appropriate religious observance:
No one installs new software onto an old operating system, for the
system will crash, and your won't be able to use the software or the
computer. Likewise, no one puts old format data files into new
databases. The new database will be corrupted, and the data will be
lost. No, you put new-format data into new databases. (Matt 9:14-17)
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Responses to the gospel:
A researcher published an exciting new theory. Some readers didn't
understand it, and quickly forgot it. Other readers were too busy with
their own work to test the new theory. Others immediately went to work
and got preliminary results, but the difficulties of performing the
proper controls and testing for systematic errors discouraged them.
Still others tested the theory and produced not only confirming data,
but also new data and new theories to test. (Matt 13:3-8, 18-23)
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The kingdom of heaven is like a department chair checking on the
progress of the graduate students. She came to a graduate student who
was supposed to turn in his thesis that week, but had procrastinated and
hadn't started to analyze data yet. The department chair reminded him
that there was no more funding for him after this term. The grad
student pleaded with her. "Be patient with me," he begged, "and I will
finish the thesis by the deadline." The department chair took pity on
him, and told him she would let him re-enroll and would find money
somewhere for another term. But when the graduate student went out, he
ran into one of the undergraduates in the course he was grading. He
yelled at the student, "Where is your homework? It's a day late!" The
undergraduate begged him, "Be patient with me, and I will turn it in
tomorrow." But the grad student refused and said, "No. I'm giving you
a zero and you're failing the course!" When the other students saw what
had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told the
department chair everything that had happened. Then the chair called
the graduate student in. "You wicked student," she said, "I forgave you
for procrastinating on your thesis because you begged me. Shouldn't you
have had mercy on the undergraduate just as I had on you?" In anger the
chair expelled him from the department, to find a job until he could
finish his thesis. This is how the heavenly Father will treat each of
us unless we forgive our brothers from the heart. (Matt 18:23-35)
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In a certain department there was a chairman who neither feared God nor
cared about students. There was a student in that department who kept
coming to him with the plea, "Grant me justice in my petition." For
some time he refused, but finally he said to himself, "Even though I
don't fear God or care about students, yet because this student keeps
bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't
eventually wear me out with her coming!" Listen to what the unjust
department chair says. Will not God bring about justice for his chosen
ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?
I tell you he will see that they get justice, and quickly. (Luke 18:2-8)
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The kingdom of heaven is like a student who left one research group to
work in another. His former advisor was demanding and manipulative; she
coerced the student to continue to work on her projects without pay,
threatening not to acknowledge his work in the publication. The
student's new advisor called a group meeting, but the student was too
ashamed to come. He had no new results to report, for he had spent all
his time on the old advisor's projects. When the professor asked where
he was, the other students explained. The professor was frustrated and
said, "This has been going on for months! He'll never be able to pull
away on his own. Tell him that if he has any trouble with the other
professor, I will handle it. I'm paying his salary and I want him to
spend his time working for me. (based on a true story)
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There was a biology professor whose graduate student was accused of
wasting time. So she called him in and asked him, "What is this I hear
about you? Give an account of what you have done because you cannot be
my student any longer."
The student said to himself, "What shall I do now? My professor is
taking away my funding. I don't have good enough work habits to get a
real job, and I'm too proud to move back in with my parents. I know
what I'll do so that, when I lose my job here, other research groups
will hire me as a technician."
So he called each of his professor's competitors. He asked the first,
"How much of that gene have you cloned yet?" "Only about 40%," she
replied. The students answered, "I'll tell you the parts that you're
missing." Then he asked the second, "Have you decided what experiments
you're going to do next?" "We're still deciding that," the second
replied. The student answered, "I'll tell you what ideas we've
discussed in our lab."
The professor commended the dishonest student because he had acted
shrewdly. For the people of light should be just as shrewd in doing
good as the people of this world are in doing evil. (Luke 16:1-8, Matt
10:16)
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The grant proposals of a certain professor were all approved. She
thought to herself, "What shall I do? My lab space isn't big enough for
all these projects." Then she said, "This is what I'll do. I'll get
brand new lab space and hire many new post-docs and graduate students.
And I'll say to myself, 'You have tenure and many research projects
which will produce papers for years to come. Take life easy; go to
conferences and take sabbaticals.'"
But God said to her, "You fool! This very night your life will be
demanded of you. Then who will get what you have prepared for
yourself?" This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for
himself but is not rich towards God. (Luke 12:16-21)
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The kingdom of heaven is like an array of sensors left to monitor an
experiment. When the experiment was over, the scientists downloaded the
data. They saved the data from the good sensors for further analysis,
and threw away the data from the bad sensors. This is how it will be at
the end of the age. (Matt 13:47-50)
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Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a programmer who started many
processes on her computer. While everyone was sleeping, a hacker broke
in and started some counterfeit jobs, which began using some of the CPU
time. The programmer's assistants said, "Didn't you start useful jobs
on the computer? Where then did these counterfeits come from?" "A
hacker did this, " she replied. The assistants asked her, "Do you want
us to kill the jobs?" "No," she answered, "because while you are
killing them, the computer might crash, interrupting the good processes.
Let them all go to completion. Then we will purge every counterfeit
process from the disk and memory, and save the results of every good
process onto permanent tape." (Matt 13:24-30)
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The kingdom of heaven is like a professor who had many papers to grade.
She asked her teaching assistants to start helping her early in the
morning, and agreed to take them all out to dinner when the grading was
finished. About mid-morning she realized she would need more help, so
when she saw other graduate students standing in the hallway doing
nothing, she asked them to help her, and agreed to reward them
appropriately. Again at noon she found other graduate students eating
lunch, and got them to help her, and again at mid-afternoon. About 5
p.m. she found still others and asked, "Why are you standing around
doing nothing? Come and help me grade my papers."
When they were finished grading, the professor took them all to a
restaurant. When she paid for the dinners of those who had started work
at 5 o'clock, those who started early in the morning expected to receive
more. But when she only paid for their dinner too, they began to
grumble, "These others who only worked one hour got just as much as we
did, who slaved all day over those papers." But the professor answered,
"I am not being unfair to you. You got what we agreed upon. I want to
give the students who only graded one hour as much as I gave you. Don't
I have that right? Or are you envious because I am generous?"
So the last will be first and the first will be last. (Matt 20:1-16)
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The kingdom of heaven is like a college president who was hosting a
banquet for an important donor. He sent announcements to all the
important administrators and faculty, but they all began to make
excuses. The first said, "I just received some new lab equipment, and I
want to try it out, so I cannot come." Another said, "My book just got
published, and I must make sure the bookstores and libraries have
copies, so I cannot come." Still another said, "I'm on sabbatical, so I
cannot come."
When the RSVP's came back, the president was angry and told his
assistant, "Go quickly into the classrooms, dorms, and offices and bring
in the graduate students, undergraduates, and staff." "Sir," said the
assistant, "what you ordered has been done, but the banquet hall still
isn't full." Then the president said, "Go to other colleges down the
road, and invite them to come! The banquet hall must be filled! I tell
you, not one of those who were invited first will be let in the door."
(Luke 14:16-24)
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How can a student, whom her professor put in charge of his research
projects, be faithful and wise? It will be good if the professor finds
the research assistant working hard when he returns; surely, he will
give her an excellent recommendation. But suppose that research
assistant is wicked and says to herself, "My professor is staying away a
long time," and she begins to misuse the equipment and spend her time
surfing the web. The professor will walk into the lab on a day she does
not expect and at an hour when she is not aware. He will reprimand and
humiliate the student and take away her funding; then there will be
weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Matt 24:45-51)
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At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten students waiting for
a professor to return to his office, so he could sign their forms to add
his course. Five were wise and five were foolish. The wise ones
brought something to eat while they waited, but the foolish ones did
not. The professor was a long time in coming, and as they waited all
afternoon, they got very hungry. The foolish ones said, "Give us some
of your food." But the wise ones answered, "No, we only brought enough
for ourselves, and there isn't enough to share. Go to the cafeteria and
buy something." But while they were on their way to the cafeteria, the
professor arrived. He signed the forms of those who were waiting, then
locked his office and went home. Later that evening, the others
telephoned him at home and said, "Sir! Sir! Come back and sign our
forms." But he replied, "I tell you the truth, I do not know you."
Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.
(Matt 25:1-13)
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Therefore, whoever hears these teachings and puts them into practice is
like a wise scholar who built his theory upon data. The criticisms came
down, the controversies rose, and the counter-arguments blew and beat
against the theory, but it did not fall apart, because it had its
foundation in data. But whoever hears these teachings and does not put
them into practice is like a foolish scholar who built his theory upon
conjecture. The criticisms came down, the controversies rose, and the
counter-arguments blew and beat against the theory, and it failed
spectacularly. (Matt 7:24-27)
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